now and then

so I have been thinking a lot about how my life has turned out thus far and how it's different from the life I pictured on my last day of high school as different as night and day rest assured.I believe that deep down everyone has, at one point or another, wanted to lead an extraordinary life,a life that sets them apart from the nameless throng of people.I think that a person's definition of extraordinary changes as they age.when I was very young I wanted so badly to have a twin that I made up stories of how my brother or sister had gotten separated from me at the hospital, or more likely had died because we were born early, of course my parents didn't want me to suffer from survivor's guilt and never told me.when I was seven I asked my mom if I was a twin and was crushed to find out that I wasn't, that my stories were just that, stories. I had known that all along of course but I clung steadfastly to my soap bubble dream as long as I could and was sad to see it burst.
when I was fourteen I believed for a whole year that I could and would get into the Juilliard school of music in despite of my disability and financial constraints.it wasn't until a month after I went to New York and saw Juilliard that it hit me.I loved singing but if I couldn't even get a spot in my high school show choir how what I going to get an invitation-only audition much less have a prayer of  living up to their expectations,not to mention the fact that because it isn't a public institution there was no guarantee I could physically get to the front door, another dream  carefully tucked into the box labeled "childhood fantasy", something to be talked of rarely and then only with an air of resigned wistfulness before being returned to its proverbial tissue paper like some treasured antique given to you  by some cherished eccentric relative who is now worm food.
my dreams are nowhere near as far-fetched and grandiose as they once were.all I want out of life is to be loved and to move out of my folks place eventually.the second thing is proving more difficult than the first.

Roughly six  months ago a man walked into my life and turned the world as I knew it on its ear. several years ago I named myself it is now used only as a term of endearment and a joke but I meant it to be self-deprecating at the time I came up with it.I'm small with brown hair and eyes, a tan that starts in May and doesn't fade until the second week of September.I was, or thought I was, a small brown mouse no one would ever notice or pay much attention to. have been told several times that I most certainly not a mouse but for some reason it never sank into my thick skull until now.

For about the last year I have become increasingly uncomfortable with my situation in life.  Six months ago a man walked into my life within half an hour my perception of myself had already begun to change.  I was considering things I never had before.  I am not the same person I was six months ago thank goodness. it's getting harder every day to recognize the little mouse person in the mirror.

I don't have a clue exactly what the story of my life will read like by the time I am compost, but what ever the last page says, however my current situation plays out, it will be a happy ending because I happy with the person I'm becoming, who ever that turns out to be. a better gift I could not have been given then to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. if no one at my funeral counts my life as extraordinary that it's OK because regardless of what does or does not happen in the future I will know it was, all because of one meeting.  Thank you Master
On bended knee,
Silver

the face in the mirror

Anyone who knows me very well knows I  hate waiting, make me wait long enough  and  I start climbing walls, or I used to and with most other people I still am impatient at points. Recently I have found  patience where once I would've sworn I had none.  The other thing I'm known for is my temper, it's not a particularly quick temper but it's reached the boiling point, watch out. Unfortunately my current living situation is constantly trying both my patience and temper, I have discovered something that helps though.  . If I close my eyes   and remind myself  that my behavior reflects on my Master I find the strength to curb my temper and have a little more patience from somewhere because no matter  how mad I am at somebody  nothing is worth His disappointment.  This is not saying I haven't messed up a time or two, I'm human after all. I'm only saying that in the short time I've been with Him I've become a better person. He asked what I expected to get from the experience before He took me in, I answered that I didn't quite know but that all learning was worthwhile.  Imagine my surprise  when I looked in the mirror one day to realize that I liked myself  a whole lot better than I used to. I believe it when people tell me I'm pretty now. I hold my head up now. I am subordinate to one one man, inferior to no one.  I have no fear for I  am never alone.
Thank you  Master