imagery

I'm not a very fatalistic person. That being said there's an image that keeps flashing through my head at odd times, sometimes awake and sometimes when I'm sleeping. I'm walking through a woods, well in my case it is mostly stumbling and half crawling and falling against trees. I fall twice as often as I manage to stay on my feet. There's a rope around my waist that keeps from completely falling on my face, it stretcher out before me and I can't see the end. I have to find the end of the rope, it's important. I  forget to keep track of how long I've been walking, it's not important. Come says the constant tug on the rope and so I do, Finally the trees slowly recede  and there in the center of a field, holding the other end of the rope stands a man  whose eyes are neither blue or green but somehow both and I realize that everything will be OK It never fails to get me to smile wheter it comes in the form of a waking daydream or a sleeping one.
On Bended Knee,
Silver

now and then

so I have been thinking a lot about how my life has turned out thus far and how it's different from the life I pictured on my last day of high school as different as night and day rest assured.I believe that deep down everyone has, at one point or another, wanted to lead an extraordinary life,a life that sets them apart from the nameless throng of people.I think that a person's definition of extraordinary changes as they age.when I was very young I wanted so badly to have a twin that I made up stories of how my brother or sister had gotten separated from me at the hospital, or more likely had died because we were born early, of course my parents didn't want me to suffer from survivor's guilt and never told me.when I was seven I asked my mom if I was a twin and was crushed to find out that I wasn't, that my stories were just that, stories. I had known that all along of course but I clung steadfastly to my soap bubble dream as long as I could and was sad to see it burst.
when I was fourteen I believed for a whole year that I could and would get into the Juilliard school of music in despite of my disability and financial constraints.it wasn't until a month after I went to New York and saw Juilliard that it hit me.I loved singing but if I couldn't even get a spot in my high school show choir how what I going to get an invitation-only audition much less have a prayer of  living up to their expectations,not to mention the fact that because it isn't a public institution there was no guarantee I could physically get to the front door, another dream  carefully tucked into the box labeled "childhood fantasy", something to be talked of rarely and then only with an air of resigned wistfulness before being returned to its proverbial tissue paper like some treasured antique given to you  by some cherished eccentric relative who is now worm food.
my dreams are nowhere near as far-fetched and grandiose as they once were.all I want out of life is to be loved and to move out of my folks place eventually.the second thing is proving more difficult than the first.

Roughly six  months ago a man walked into my life and turned the world as I knew it on its ear. several years ago I named myself it is now used only as a term of endearment and a joke but I meant it to be self-deprecating at the time I came up with it.I'm small with brown hair and eyes, a tan that starts in May and doesn't fade until the second week of September.I was, or thought I was, a small brown mouse no one would ever notice or pay much attention to. have been told several times that I most certainly not a mouse but for some reason it never sank into my thick skull until now.

For about the last year I have become increasingly uncomfortable with my situation in life.  Six months ago a man walked into my life within half an hour my perception of myself had already begun to change.  I was considering things I never had before.  I am not the same person I was six months ago thank goodness. it's getting harder every day to recognize the little mouse person in the mirror.

I don't have a clue exactly what the story of my life will read like by the time I am compost, but what ever the last page says, however my current situation plays out, it will be a happy ending because I happy with the person I'm becoming, who ever that turns out to be. a better gift I could not have been given then to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. if no one at my funeral counts my life as extraordinary that it's OK because regardless of what does or does not happen in the future I will know it was, all because of one meeting.  Thank you Master
On bended knee,
Silver

the face in the mirror

Anyone who knows me very well knows I  hate waiting, make me wait long enough  and  I start climbing walls, or I used to and with most other people I still am impatient at points. Recently I have found  patience where once I would've sworn I had none.  The other thing I'm known for is my temper, it's not a particularly quick temper but it's reached the boiling point, watch out. Unfortunately my current living situation is constantly trying both my patience and temper, I have discovered something that helps though.  . If I close my eyes   and remind myself  that my behavior reflects on my Master I find the strength to curb my temper and have a little more patience from somewhere because no matter  how mad I am at somebody  nothing is worth His disappointment.  This is not saying I haven't messed up a time or two, I'm human after all. I'm only saying that in the short time I've been with Him I've become a better person. He asked what I expected to get from the experience before He took me in, I answered that I didn't quite know but that all learning was worthwhile.  Imagine my surprise  when I looked in the mirror one day to realize that I liked myself  a whole lot better than I used to. I believe it when people tell me I'm pretty now. I hold my head up now. I am subordinate to one one man, inferior to no one.  I have no fear for I  am never alone.
Thank you  Master

Sometimes......

You just plain screw up. Nobody's perfect least of all me.  A new path holds missteps for the most careful. I make no excuses only sincere apologies that my ill thought actions have caused pain.
On bended knee,
Silver

just a picture

A woman stands at one end of a fencing corridor, the other end is curtained in shadow. If she squints she can just see the outline of what might be chair. That chair marks the end point of her trial. The only thing separating her from that chair is the line of sabers laid end to end across the floor. The moonlight spills into the dark room causing the swords on the floor to gleam softly. As she walks towards the blades she makes herself walk with the deliberate care that one would normally see in someone who knew they were more than a little drunk even though she is stone sober. Her eyes lock and what might be a chair as she places her bare foot on the cold steel of the first blade she near looks away. Even as her feet slip and she stumbles across the shap blades heedless of the tiny nicks in her skin. . As she steps off the last blade she stumbles in front of the chair and strong arms and a kind face reach for her before she falls. "It's ok. you're safe. I'm here."
( a picture that popped in my head but i think is speaks loud enough)
On bended knee,
Silver

rain

April is a month of rain, water,new life, and new starts.Hope is the quicksilver flash of rain in the sky.hope is hard to hang on to, as slippery as rain running through your fingers.hope make itself known in the oddest places, oddest ways.  sometimes hope is not what it first appears to be but if you wait long enough you will see.  Somebody once told me the most important people in your life are often the ones you never expected to meet.the person you literally run into walking around the corner of the building.



or in my case the man who robbed me of the ability to spell coherently merely because He was trying to tell me thank you for being helpful.rarely have I ever had to make myself stay in one spot.looking back, I find it funny that I reminded myself of a skittish horse.

I eventually lost my fear of Him and in  place of the fear is now hope.hope that I can rise out of the wreck that has become my life and start again on my own terms.  For the first time in a while I wake in the morning happy, because even if it sucks right now, it won't forever.there is light at the end of the tunnel if I can make it to the end.  This time I will make it.
On bended knee,
Silver

thinking...

when I was  11 years old one of the best people in the world died.  He was 24 and had  fought childhood leukemia for half of his life.  Last year it occurred to me that this year I would officially outlive him.  At the time it was a scary proposition because I didn't know what might happen in the next several years, it should be noted that I still do not know what's going to happen but I have support now where before I felt scared for the most part  alone. I no longer fear the next 25 years because it's hard to fear something when you have the kind of  caring that is in my life now. granted a lot people would not understand it but that's okay they don't have to its  my life  and no one is to answer for it but me.the only way I could have disappointed my friend is to give up on myself.  Because  of Master's strength and caring don't  have to be afraid.  I know he cares for me and that is all I need from this world.  With that I can do anything .  I am through giving up on myself.
On bended knee,
Silvwe